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<title>why do we sleep where we want to hide? by Youhavetolikebooksifpeopledontlikeyou</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27739141">why do we sleep where we want to hide?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Youhavetolikebooksifpeopledontlikeyou/pseuds/Youhavetolikebooksifpeopledontlikeyou'>Youhavetolikebooksifpeopledontlikeyou</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Queen's Gambit (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Benny childhood, Benny’s past, Beth didnt mean it, Chess, F/M, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Violence, benny’s parents sucks, i dont know anything about chess, s01 ep06: Adjournment</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 19:09:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,388</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27739141</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Youhavetolikebooksifpeopledontlikeyou/pseuds/Youhavetolikebooksifpeopledontlikeyou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Cigarettes and tiny liquor bottles<br/>Just what you’d expect inside her new Balenciaga<br/>Vile romance, turned dreams into an empire<br/>Self-made success, now she rolls with Rockefellers</p><p>-</p><p>Some answers to the questions we asked ourselves during Adjournment.<br/>Benny’s childhood, basically.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Beth Harmon/Benny Watts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>95</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>why do we sleep where we want to hide?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>PLEASE DON’T SKIP (because I don’t want any complaints in the comment section):</p><p>First and foremost, English it’s NOT my first language. Consequently, this story will probably be full of mistakes, grammar and spelling errors.</p><p>Secondly, this story is violent and graphic. There are some scene about child abuse and some kind of panic attack. For my usual standards they are NOT TOO GRAPHIC BUT STILL THERE AND EXPLICIT. If it could disturb you in any way please don’t read. I really mean it.</p><p>Maybe I'll make this one shot part of a series, touching on the points that I have left open in this one. But I don't know yet, it depends on how this one goes.</p><p>See you at the end.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Benny opens the door of his apartment in New York, Beth holds back an expression of disgust.</p><p>
  <em>(Mrs Deardorff taught her that it is not polite to judge the apartments of the people who welcome you.)</em>
</p><p>
  <em>(If she wanted to be adopted, she had to learn it.)</em>
</p><p>
  <em>(She learn it.)</em>
</p><p>Harmon remains impassive as she follows the man inside, but she looks around and her mind is unable to connect the dots.</p><p>There are jobs that make a lot more money, that’s established. But chess tournaments give huge cash prizes for sure.</p><p>Yet Benny's ‘apartment’ was... <em>special</em>.</p><p>(<em>Well-behaved people don't say words like ugly, obscene or hideous, Elisabeth</em>.)</p><p>The girl stops in the middle of that kind of pathetic excuse for a living room, looking around. Analysing the place like a chessboard, trying to <em>understand</em>.</p><p>(Tying to understand what she expected, why she expected it, and why her expectations were reversed.)</p><p>First point: Benny lives in a basement. This is evident. He lives in a basement, in a dirty alley of one of the worst neighbourhoods in New York.</p><p>Second point: the basement looks <em>exactly like a basement</em>. The furniture (Jesus, describing that as <em>furniture</em> would be hyperbolic) is what you would find in a basement. The humidity and <em>coldness</em> are the same as you might find in a basement.</p><p>(God, the bathroom is worst than the public ones.)</p><p>Benny told her she would sleep in the living room, but there is no couch in the living room, just an old leather armchair and some pillows piled in the corner.</p><p>The kitchen is dirty, the dishes are piled up in the sink and it looks like they have been there for ages.</p><p>The walls are bare and most of the space is empty. Cold. <em>Inconsistent</em>.</p><p>(Were she expecting a mansion? A loft in a downtown skyscraper? Why did she expect it?)</p><p>(Because Benny Watts is so arrogant and confident and full of himself that it seemed obvious to her that he grew up with a silver spoon in his mouth.)</p><p>(Maybe she’s <em>wrong</em>.)</p><p>“There’s space in the closet. You can hang your clothes in there if you want.”</p><p>Beth takes a look at his bedroom, with the last hope of meeting her previous expectations and finding it more <em>normal</em>. But even the bedroom is bare and cold like the rest of the house.</p><p>“I thought I was gonna get a couch.” says Beth, when Benny walks out of his bedroom with what could easily pass for a airbed for the beach and it certainly looks very little like a bed. Or a couch.</p><p>“No, I said <em>living room</em>.” and begins to pump it up.</p><p>The man doesn't seem ashamed of where he lives. This is another thing that surprises the redhead.</p><p>A cocky conceited boy full of himself like Benny Watts should care about his appearance as much as he does about where he lives. Or at least that's what Beth expected.</p><p>Yet he doesn't even seem to notice.</p><p>(<em>When you invite someone over, you need to be sure you've put your place in perfect order.</em></p><p>
  <em>Put some pastries on the coffee table and start making the tea. Guests will think your home mirrors you. And that's what they need to think.</em>
</p><p><em>That's how good girls behave, Elisabeth.</em>)</p><p>He doesn't seem to mind the fact that a mouse could come out from under the fridge at any moment.</p><p>The redhead offers to pump the bed up instead of him (<em>it’s good manners, although it is obvious that the man will not accept. Because it’s good manners</em>.) and the blond accepts.</p><p>“There is no booze in the apartment.” Benny says before retiring to his bedroom.</p><p>It is not just an information.</p><p>It's not a '<em>no booze in the apartment, if you want tomorrow we can go and buy it</em>' and it's not a '<em>there is no booze in the apartment strangely, but don't worry I'll fill the fridge tomorrow'.</em></p><p>It is a sentence.</p><p>It's a '<em>there is no booze in the house and there will never be'</em>.</p><p>“I didn’t think there would be.”</p><p>(Lie.)</p><p>(Of course she thought it.)</p><p>(You don't need to be an alcoholic to have alcohol at home.)</p><p>(Everyone has at least one bottle of Bourbon.)</p><p>(Beth thinks about it all night.)</p><p> </p><p>————————</p><p> </p><p>The redhead wakes up to the lights and the deafening noise of a police siren.</p><p>Benny’s already up, making two coffees. In <em>paper</em> cups.</p><p>Beth needs a shower. She has to go to the bathroom.</p><p>(But there was no shower in the bathroom when she looked yesterday. Or was there?)</p><p>(There isn't even a mirror.)</p><p>“You can get change in my bedroom.” Benny offers as he hands her the coffee.</p><p>“I need a shower.”</p><p>“She’s all yours.”</p><p>And she sees it. The shower. The bath tub. Next to the fridge. In the living room. It is hideous.</p><p>
  <em>(It's particular, Elisabeth. Particular.)</em>
</p><p>(Unhygienic.)</p><p>They start playing chess. It's not like playing with Harry Beltik. It’s more stimulating. She doesn't always win.</p><p>(Most of the time she does.)</p><p>Then in the evening his friends arrive. They carry some booze. It's the first thing Beth notices. The second thing is that Benny doesn't seem to react negatively to it. He doesn't even seem to care. There is no booze in the house, but if someone brings it, it’s not a problem. Beth is not understanding.</p><p>They play, laugh, have <em>fun</em>. It is <em>funny</em>, although the redhead rarely finds anything that involves social relationships funny. But those guys put her at ease and the night goes by without too much trouble.</p><p>She wins Benny all the money she had lost long ago, savouring the taste of that ‘<em>again</em>’ on her lips. It tastes sweet and she’ll never get tired of it. It’s the taste of victory. And <em>revenge</em>.</p><p>They also drink that evening. Not Beth, of course. Not after the <em>look</em> that Benny had given her when the girl had asked. A defiant look, perhaps. In order to see if she could really hold back.</p><p>(There was more in those eyes. But Beth couldn't have given it a name.)</p><p>In the end, they fuck that night. The best fuck of her life, without a doubt. But then he talks about chess and she takes offence. She doesn't even know why.</p><p>(She knows, but she certainly doesn't admit it.)</p><p>Neither of them sleeps that night. It’s Benny who breaks the silence, around three in the morning, while yet another police siren disturbs their insomnia.</p><p>“You haven't been drinking tonight.” he’s curious, amazed. Maybe even a little bit proud.</p><p>“No. I can choose not to, if I want. I'm not an alcoholic.” She says it more to herself than to the man. “You did it, instead.”</p><p>It wasn’t the first time she had seen the man drink. But after that ‘<em>no booze in the apartment</em>’ she had expected something different. Beth wasn't sure of what, but <em>something</em> for sure.</p><p>“I did, yes. <em>Now</em> I can control myself, though. Unlike you, despite what you say.”</p><p>“<em>Now</em>? What does it mean?” Beth doesn't even notice the accusation, or the rest of the sentence in general. Her whole mind is focused on that one word.</p><p>Their speeches are also chess games. They always have been, from the first moment they met. It's part of their rivalry.</p><p>(Are they still rivals, lying naked in the same bed?)</p><p>Now Beth has to figure out if he just moved a pawn sideways, for no reason, or if he's sacrificing the queen.</p><p>“It means exactly what I said.”</p><p>“Tell me.”</p><p>“Go to sleep.”</p><p>“Please, I want to know. I don't know anything about you.”</p><p>“I don't know anything about you either, for that matter.”</p><p>Beth snorts.</p><p>“<em>Oh, please</em>. You know everything about me. The world knows everything about me. That I'm an orphan, that I learned to play chess with the caretaker,...”</p><p>“You won't tell me that this means knowing <em>everything</em> about you. This is <em>nothing</em>.”</p><p>“That’s all there is to know. I am nothing more than that.” She snuggles up under the covers and tucks her head into her shoulders. It hurts to say it, but a part of her knows it's the truth.</p><p>She is the chess queen.</p><p>That and nothing more.</p><p> </p><p>————————</p><p> </p><p>That <em>now</em> remains pending for days. Benny didn't seem willing to answer and Beth never asked again.</p><p>One day the redhead comes back from shopping with an open bottle of wine in her hand. It’s the second, because she finished the first one on the way home.</p><p>She just has time to close the door (<em>throwing herself off balance and slamming the other two bottles still closed in the shopping bag</em>) when Benny jumps up from the armchair.</p><p>Beth notices the sparkle in his eyes, but she's too drunk to know what it is. Not drunk enough to not understand that that is an <em>instinctive</em> reaction.</p><p>And not aimed at helping her, in case she really fell.</p><p>Not aimed at helping her with hers shopping bags.</p><p>
  <em>Aimed at getting as far away from her as possible.</em>
</p><p>“Sorry, it took me a while. There was ... there was an endless line at the supermarket.” it is difficult to formulate a sentence and stand up at the same time. Both actions require considerable concentration.</p><p>Beth nearly stumbles coming down the stairs (for the <em>second time</em> in less than two minutes).</p><p>And for the <em>second time</em>, Benny doesn't move an inch from where he is. The blonde’s standing in the middle of the living room, with the tense position of someone releasing exorbitant amounts of adrenaline from his brain. His eyes are on her.</p><p>On her and on the bedroom door.</p><p>(<em>He's ready to run</em>, Beth thinks. But his mind is too clouded to think of a thought more deep than this.)</p><p>“Are you going to help me with the shopping bag or do you want to stand there forever?” She asks, before taking another long sip from the bottle in her hand.</p><p>“It's wine.” he points out.</p><p>“Yes, it's wine. Do you want some?”</p><p>She approaches to hand him the bottle. God, ‘<em>approaches</em>’. She's too drunk to take more than two steps without tripping, so she basically hands him the bottle from ten feet away.</p><p>One step, she’s a pawn.</p><p>Benny takes two steps back and one to his bedroom door.</p><p>He’s a Knight.</p><p>“Are you drunk?” but he doesn't ask it with the accusatory tone Beth would have expected.<em> It looks like he's testing the waters.</em></p><p>(As if the answer weren't obvious.)</p><p>But it doesn't matter, because the redhead still feels attached. She moves diagonally, until she is positioned exactly in front of the bedroom door.</p><p>Bishop eats Knight.</p><p>Except Beth hasn't figured out what game they're playing yet.</p><p>On the other hand, Benny backs away until his back touches the wall of the opposite side.</p><p>He’s a Rook.</p><p>He wants to keep as much distance from the girl as possible.</p><p>“I'm drunk. Is that a problem, Benny?”</p><p>“It is. I want you to get out of my house. You’ll return when the hangover’s over.”</p><p>“What...?”</p><p>Her eyes were cold but bright like fires on a swamp.</p><p>“<em>I want you to get out of my house. You will return when the hangover is over.</em>” he repeats, his voice trembling slightly. But Beth doesn't even notice.</p><p>“Are you kicking me out?!” She's not screaming, but his tone of voice is definitely higher than normal. Benny flinches imperceptibly.</p><p>“I'm not kicking you out. You can come back, but only when the hangover’s over.”</p><p>“What the fuck does that mean?! Where do you want me to go?!” Now she is definitely screaming. Benny’s like a white King in front of the black Queen.</p><p>Checkmate.</p><p>“And I'm not a fuckin’ alcoholic. Stop treating me like one. I drank two sips of wine, don't make a tragedy of it.”</p><p>Beth screams and screams <em>and screams</em> and Benny is in the corner of the living room, breathing faster than usual and with those eyes that don't seem to be really focused on his surroundings. The girl continues to yell but he has stopped hearing her words.</p><p>And then suddenly the sound of broken glass. And then the <em>silence</em>. A huge wine stain on the wall a few inches from his head, Beth's frightened gaze as she sees the man curl up on the floor in a second with his arms covering his head.</p><p>“Oh my God... Benny. I'm sorry, I'm sorry please I did not mean it I'm sorry I don't know-” she starts to approach the shaking figure, but the man flinches back, banging his head against the wall behind him.</p><p>“<em>Don't</em>!- Touch. Me.” He got so chocked up, misty-eyed. Beth wants to throw up.</p><p>A few minutes pass, the blond's breathing seems to return regular. He gets up and without even looking at her, he leaves the apartment.</p><p> </p><p>————————</p><p> </p><p>Beth reaches him only a few minutes later, the hangover completely disappeared as if by magic. She finds him in the alley behind his house, with a cigarette between his lips and more than an extinguished cigarette stubs at his feet.</p><p>“Sorry Benny. Really. I don't know what... I was angry and... and I'm sorry. I’m not like that. It never happened to me. I-”</p><p>“I was like you. My father and mother were too.”</p><p>“I- I don't understand, what-”</p><p>“My parents were alcoholics. Every day, in the house, there was <em>that</em> smell of poor wine. That's why I snapped when you entered the house. It was the same smell.”</p><p>“Benny-”</p><p>“They were violent. My father, above all. He beat me and my mother all the time. My mother beat me too, because she said it was my fault that father was like that. Maybe it was true.</p><p>“Most of the time he comes home, dead drunk and with that smell of wine on him. He chases me around the house with his belt in his hand. I’m fast, but he always catches me. He beat the shit out of me, then he gets tired and goes out drinking again.</p><p>“Usually I stayed where I was, curled up on the floor. Too tired to move. Then my mother arrives and begins to cry. She strokes my hair, asks me if I'm okay. Then <em>something snaps</em> in her. I don't know what, but it's like a switch. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.</p><p>“She starts crying even harder and tells me it's my fault, that I have to behave better, that I always make my father angry, that I have to be sorry. Then she starts beating me, scratching me with those damn nails.</p><p>“She didn’t always say what I had to be sorry for, but I usually just assumed my existence was an afford to my father. To both of them.</p><p>“It was her who often threw bottles of wine at me, yelling at me.”</p><p>“Like I did today.”</p><p>“Like you did today. Then, one evening, when I was 16, my father comes back more drunk than usual. My mother is passed out on the couch and she doesn't even hear him enter. He’s angry, I don't know why.</p><p>“He starts hitting me, as usual, but this time he doesn't seem he’s gonna stop. He keeps hitting when I'm down. When I beg him to stop. He keeps hitting and hitting <em>and hitting</em>. Then I understand that if I’m not gonna do something <em>he’ll kill me</em>.</p><p>“So I try to escape him, I try to get up and I barely manage to run to the kitchen. But he reaches me, grabs me by the hair and slams my head against the kitchen counter. I still have the scar.”</p><p>He sadly smiles as he says it, as if he’s talking about a game of chess that he lost long time ago.</p><p>(Beth would like to throw up.)</p><p>(Beth would like to hug him, to kiss him at tell him everything is gonna be fine, that she’s with him. She’ll be with him forever.)</p><p>(<em>You must remain impassive, nod every now and then to make him understand that you are listening to him. If they don't ask for your opinion, don't give it Elisabeth</em>.)</p><p>“Anyway, as I hit my head against the kitchen counter I managed to grab a knife, I don’t know how. I stabbed him in the shoulder, but apparently I hurt him enough to run away and nothing more than that. I know he's still alive. Anyway, that's why I always carry a knife on me. It's stupid and irrational, but I can't help it.”</p><p>He concluded, running a hand through his hair.</p><p>“What did you do after you ran away?”</p><p>(<em>Shut up, Elisabeth. Mind your own business. Oh, you are such an disrespectful little girl, aren’t you?</em>)</p><p>“Christ, I was 16. I was broke, as my victories in chess were used to buy alcohol. But I managed to keep something, so I bought a bus ticket to New York. Some guy gave me this house, when he found me sleeping near the garbage. End of the story. I mean <em>actually</em> there’s the part where I turn into my mother, but I don't want to talk about it now.”</p><p>“You don't have to. You didn't even have to tell me about your parents, Benny.”</p><p>“I know. I wanted to do it though.”</p><p>“Why have you never moved from here?”</p><p>(<em>This is an inopportune question, Elisabeth.</em></p><p>
  <em>You should never ask for anything, unless the other person wants you to ask. You will understand, when it is the case. They will let you know.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Otherwise, you’ll seem indiscreet. It’s not suitable for a good girl.)</em>
</p><p>“That is... it's a nice apartment, though-”</p><p>“No Beth, it's not a <em>nice apartment</em>. It sucks, you can tell me that. I'm not offended.”</p><p>“Okey, it sucks.” <em>(It’s particular, Elisabeth)</em> “So why don't you move?”</p><p>“As soon as I ran away, I knew my parents would be looking for me. My father in order to take revenge. My mother because I knew her sick and twisted mind was convinced that she loved me. Anyway, I had become paranoid. It was one of the reasons I started drinking.</p><p>“I was afraid they might find me. This is an anonymous alley on the suburbs of New York and my apartment is practically a basement. The chances of them finding me were slim.</p><p>“I had decided not to furnish it, partly because I had no money and partly because there was the possibility that I would have to run away at any moment. As time went on, I thought my parents must surely have heard of tournaments and would think as I imagine you did too. <em>‘He must have bought a nice house with the prizes, right?’</em> So it was even safer here.”</p><p>“Why don't you decorate it now? In the end many years have passed, don’t you think? Your parents must have given up. You could even get yourself a really nice villa.”</p><p>“<em>Because I've never stopped being paranoid about it. Like I never stopped carrying the knife.</em>”</p><p>He seems uncomfortable talking about his past. He’s embarrassed, Beth can tell it. His hands are shaking. She bets no one know his story. And for good reason, actually. It must be hard for him go through something like that.</p><p>Beth always complains about not having real parents. About not having a dad that accepts her, or even wants her.</p><p>But it’s definitely better than have a father like Benny’s.</p><p>There’s a long moment of silence. Both of them deep in thoughts.</p><p>“I'm sorry about what happened. I did not mean to arm you in any way. I don't know what happened to me. Anyway, if you want me to leave and go back in Kentucky, I understand.”</p><p>“No, no. Absolutely not. I... I'm no longer a scared kid and-”</p><p>“Before you were, once again.”</p><p>“- and you definitely need help. Not just with chess.” concludes Benny, totally ignoring Beth's words, even if inside he’s ashamed.</p><p>“I don't need help. Neither with chess nor with anything else. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Today's was ... an isolated episode.”</p><p>And indeed it was.</p><p>An isolated episode. Nothing like this ever happened again during the time she lived in New York.</p><p>But then came Paris.</p><p>And it all went to hell.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you liked it. Let me know in the comment section or leave a kudos, if you want. Thank you so much.</p><p>The title is from “Monsters” by All Time Low ft blackbear </p><p>The summary song is from “New Americana” by Halsey.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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